Have you ever been faced with the entire world and not known what to do with it? I'm sure all early twenties know exactly what I'm talking about.
"What am I going to do with my life?" "Do I have to decided everything right now?" "Holy crap that's a lot of pressure."
I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people that looks at those questions (and last statement) and has all the wrong answers. I know what I don't want to do with my life. I know I need to make a decision at some point. I'm cracking under all of this pressure.
Throughout my life, I've made great decisions...after making all of the wrong ones first. I have to try everything once. I'm terrified I'll miss out on something awesome. For many scenarios, this is not a terrible way to go about it. For making large life choices, this is cataclysmic.
Another crazy aspect of this whole "deciding where to go with life" decision is, I might hurt someone else if I decide wrong. There are many people in my life I care deeply for. I have people that look to me and depend on me. What if I fail? What if I'm not as great as they think I am. How long can I keep up the facade?
People are just people. I try to look at everyone as an attempt at perfection. I understand everyone falls short, but I hope they are at least trying their best to meet perfection in the eyes. Maybe this is the problem. I look at myself this way as well. I try so hard to reach perfection. Sometimes I let myself believe it is achievable.
Failing is a part of being human. It's just so hard to accept failure when it comes to belief, morals, career, friend and relationship choices. Controlling every outcome is impossible. I can try, but then I'll just fail at that too.
I am a conflicted youth. What else is new.
I'll expect feedback in one way or the other. All you wise readers out there, let me get some knowledge.
Yogi Berra said "You can't think and hit at the same time." He was talking about baseball, but it applies to life as well. Do what you feel is right, but realize there are rarely completely "right answers". It's entirely possible both choices you face at any given moment will make you happy. Whatever one you make, you can't spend time torturing yourself about what might've been had it gone the other way.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to think about others, and you seem like you would never intentionally hurt someone, but in the end it has to be about you. Delaying what needs to be done to "spare someone's feelings" is only prolonging the time it's going to take them and you to get past any pain a choice causes. Hang in there.